Recent Blog Posts

LIFE AFTER DIVORCE - Thriving in the Future, Part I

Marvin L. Chapman, PsyD — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 16:17:00 GMT

If you are like most parents you want your children to be successful at school, in their extracurricular activities, and socially with their friends. Prior to your family reorganization you probably spent enormous amounts of time, energy, and money attempting to ensure your children's success. You may even have had the tendency to try to provide those things for your children that you wanted when you were a child. You have spent time helping your children with their homework and school projects; you have taken them to soccer, baseball, dance, swim meets, and other activities; and, you have probably spent a little more than your budget allowed to ensure they had all that you could provide. A divorce will change all of this.

During and after your family reorganization you generally will not have the time, energy, or money that you once had to spend on your children. This fact alone can produce feelings of guilt and inadequacy. However, you do not have to subscribe to those feelings. Some in the mental health field believe that the typical time, energy, and money that are spent on children by their parents is really over-parenting. Therefore, if you are not now able to do what you once did for your children you might be a right-where-you-need-to be parent.

What many of us as parents do not realize is that when we load up our children with all of the goodies, all of the little extras, we may be also loading up pressure and stress on both ourselves and our children. It is pretty well established that the financial commitments and time requirements to provide all of the goodies, all of the little extras for our children also adds financial pressure and time stressors on ourselves as parents. Likewise, if our children do not live up to our expected standards of appreciation for the financial commitments we are making and an acknowledgment of the time we took to provide all of the goodies and extras, it can provide them an opportunity to see themselves as not being good enough, not measuring up to our expectations of them, not trying hard enough to be more mature, or simply developing a feeling of failure. These types of pressures are extremely fear-filled because a child's normal desire is to please us as parents - to gain our admiration and acceptance, to make mom and dad proud, and to prove to us the kind of "adults" they are becoming.

Normal day-to-day pressures of an intact family are hard. When you add to those "normal" pressures the stress, financial strain, and emotional upheaval of being engaged in the adversarial family court system, you can readily imagine the pressure cooker that is about ready to explode. And in many families it does explode. Almost every day you can read in the paper or see on TV the outcome of the pressure on a person going through the family court system - outcomes such as suicide, murder, kidnapping, and similar abhorrent behaviors from a parent previously considered being simply "normal." The neighbors are almost always shocked and can't believe it has happened in their quiet neighborhood to this "nice family." When you put "normal" parents into the adversarial arena with the daily stressors, the confusion, frustration, anger, and hurt that the adversarial family court system exaggerates and exacerbates, it becomes very understandable why a proactive "normal" parent can become a reactive "abnormal" parent.

The adversarial family court system survives and thrives on exaggerating and exacerbating the pain and suffering of the reorganization and restructuring family; and they do so with almost total impunity (meaning they do so without punishment and with almost total exemption from any punishment for the harm they cause families - financially, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and the divisiveness between parent-children, a divisiveness that can last for years, sometimes even a lifetime between parents and children).

The adversarial family court system repeatedly defends itself by blaming the divorcing parents for the pain they have caused and are causing their own family. This ego-centric system tells itself that it is the attorneys and the court system that lessens the trauma on the family. How? By making decision for the family, a family about which they know practically nothing; that is, nothing except the hearsay and mean-spirited allegations and accusations made by both parents against each other (allegations and accusations about each other is the backbone of the adversarial system). The primary myth about the adversarial system is that only when both parties' tear apart each other as adversaries can the court "ferret" out the truth and make an honest and good decision about what is in the best interest of that particular family. This system sound eerily similar to another system used during World War II doesn't it?

Repeated studies and the consistent outcomes of both the mediation and collaborative models clearly indicate there are more family friendly, less divisive, and more compassionate ways to handle families in crises. The mediation and collaborative models promote peacemaking, cooperation, equitableness, parity, and the education, information, and provide the family with tools to make the reorganization and restructuring process a less traumatic and more growth producing event.

Your action steps need to include engaging the services of a good divorce therapist to help you stay in control of your emotions; hiring an experienced divorce coach to assist you in making sound, practical, realistic, and family-centered decisions; and, retaining a reputable divorce attorney who is as concerned for your family's long term emotional and financial well-being as he or she is about you individually.

The purpose of this article is to help you understand that the stresses, pressures, hurts, pains, suffering, confusion, exasperation, and all of the other feelings you are or will experience as you go through the divorce process are very real feelings. You need to do something with these emotions and feelings before they take over and do something to you. The time to do something is now.

Marvin L. Chapman, PsyD, MFT, CFC, BCPC

Moving Through Change: A Mom's Journey to a New Home (by Ellen Kellner)

Transitional Family Resources — Fri, 28 May 2010 01:28:00 GMT

I love my home. For some people the living room and dining room have long lost their original intent, but for me, these rooms are my sanctuary. A place free from toys, clutter, mess, and TVs. They are rooms filled with things of beauty to me—candles, comfortable chairs with reading lights, books and earthy elements of rocks, twigs, and plants—all providing a space for special moments.

And the moments are plenty. It is a place of stillness while I work or meditate; a place of gathering for dinners; a dance floor for when my daughters and I feel like being silly; plus, a music room when my older daughter pulls out her guitar or my younger wants to perform. When I walk into my home I always look around with such gratitude.

But now it’s time to move.

Relationship break-ups often involve separating from more than just a partner; prompting a separation from your home as well. This is one of those times.

And while there’s room for all emotions, the predominant one that I’m wrapping around this move is excitement and opportunity. My daughters and I aren’t just taking a step into new possibilities, we’re leaping into the great unknown by packing a new tent and a map.

I’ve done the hectic move from one home into another. Emotionally and physically it’s exhausting for all involved. This time I’m taking a new approach: a month of being homeless. Or, phrased more eloquently: a month between homes. So while I’m gearing up to de-clutter, sort, and store, I’m also gathering up my camping gear. Destination? The stars, big skies, and fresh air of the West.

Instead of lining-up an intensive move, we’re gathering images of “must see” destinations. Instead of focusing on a perceived loss, we’re having fun practicing tent set-ups and learning about aluminum foil campfire cooking. While our belongings rest in storage, our minds can rest in the simplicity of camping. I’m so thankful for this opportunity - a possibility that only opened because of our move.

During one quiet moment on the living-room sofa, my older daughter shared that she’ll miss the scene that surrounded us. And I agreed. But I reminded both of us that it isn’t the room, the carpet, or the walls that created this sacred space, it’s the tremendous love that we all share and the special items that we chose to bring into it. I looked at her and said, “this is our home because it’s what we’ve created. This love, this intent, goes with us wherever we go because we value it.” And we both knew it was true.

Yes, there are moments when I fret about our yet unrevealed next address, but I do know that getting there via the West will be a great adventure—one that will land us right back in the comfort of our living room, wherever that may be.

This is the power of a parent with intent: the intent to nurture her children, even through the ups and downs of life. I wish to instill in my girls a sense that it isn’t the “what”, it’s the “how” that matters. How will we be dealing with our move? By singing loudly with the windows down as we cruise to new destinations.

———-

Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book,The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex is available through Amazon or www.TheProChildWay.com

PROBLEM GAMBLING AWARE WEEK - LECTURE BY GARY LANGE, Ph.D on March 11, 2010

Transitional Family Resources — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 16:02:00 GMT

Gary Lange, Ph.D.

WHEN GAMBLING BECOMES MORE THAN A GAME: NO ONE WINS

Trips to the casino or playing video games can develop into serious financial and emotional problems not only for gambler but for his/her family. March 7-13 is National Problem Gambling Awareness (npgaw.org) week and a time to learn more about this issue at free community seminars.

More than 1.5 million youth and adults in California are considered problem and pathological gamblers according to the California Research Bureau, 2006. That would account for 20,000 individuals in the Coachella Valley. It is estimated that each problem gambler affects eight to ten other people in their lives and need our help as much as the families of any addict or mentally ill person. Spouses and family members often suspect the gambler is having an affair or is a pathological liar because of their dishonesty and deceit. Casino visits comprise the most common form of “legal” adult gambling in California. Less common but just as serious are the many other forms of “illegal” gambling which include family or college-dorm poker, sports betting, and much of the “gaming” done by our youth on hand held devices.

In our Coachella Valley, there are two groups of people particularly vulnerable to becoming problem gamblers: youth on one of the spectrum and seniors on the other end. We may have witnessed our youth “getting high” on video, X-Box, PSP and other games. Many parents attest that their kids seem to be in such a hypnotic trance while playing these games that they are unable to hear or think about anything else but the game for hours and hours.

The other group, the seniors are increasingly vulnerable to the excitement, competitiveness, independence and social acceptance that gambling provides. This is because the “Golden Years” can also involve loneliness, boredom, loss of loved ones, physical illness/pain, retirement and loss of worth, all of which can all trigger “trips” to gambling venues.

Most seniors are “escape” gamblers and gravitate toward slot machines, bingo, raffles and the lottery because they want to escape or distract themselves. By contrast, “action” gamblers prefer cards, horse racing and sports betting. For some seniors, casino “gaming” is a viewed as a safe, entertaining place where transportation is often provided and food is cheap.

Two free seminars to inform individuals and the community will be available this week. Tuesday at 5:30 pm in Indio at the Teen Center and Thursday at 4:00 pm in Palm Springs at the Golden Rainbow Senior Center. Attendees can learn to identify warning signs of a gambling problem and ways to alleviate the complications associated with gambling. Attendees will learn how this progressive problem affects youth, seniors and families. Discussion will include intervention techniques that can help bring honesty and hope to those affected by gambling. Information on local treatment options and support groups will also be available. These presentations are for those concerned about their own gambling or a loved one’s. Free confidential assessments will be available with Certified Gambling Counselors.

Gary Lange Ph.D. and Lisa Axelrod are Marriage and Family Therapists and Gambling Counselors who specialize in educating and treating problem gamblers and their families. With therapy and support a “no one wins” situation can be turned into an “everyone wins” scenario not only for the gambler but also for his or her family!

Seminar 1: Tuesday, March 9, 2010; 5:30 p.m.
Indio Teen Center is 81-678 Avenue 46, Indio, CA 92201
Includes Tips on Youth Gambling for Parents
By Lisa Axelrod, MFT, CCGC 760-772-6745
_____________________________________________________________
Seminar 2: Thursday, March 11, 2010; 4:00 p.m.
At the Golden Rainbow Senior Center
700 E. Tahquitz Canyon Way, #G, Palm Springs, 92262
by Gary Lange, Ph.D., MFT, NCGC 760/773-1014