Transitioning for Single Parents in Divorce

American culture often describes single parent families as "broken homes," and yet this is not true at all.  Most single parents provide the nurturing, values, and family structure that children need to develop as well-adjusted people despite the financial hardships that single working parents often encounter.  We need to reframe how we view this segment of the population, not only because these stereotypes are nothing more than culturally biased myths, but because this is becoming a prevalent family structure.  At the same time, we must be attentive to the potential hardships of single parenting, and as single parents we need to consider what resources are available to us to aid in our transitioning.

Single family homes make up over one-third of all American families with children under the age of 18, and over 61 percent of African-American families.  Today there are over 15 million single-parent households, 14 million of which are headed by mothers.  Some of these moms are poor, never married minority women who do have two or more children and rely upon welfare.  But, single parent households are increasing across all the socio-economic groups - especially among affluent and well educated women.  Some are career women with six figure incomes, some are gay and lesbian parents, a small but increasing number are single fathers, and a great number are divorced women who have exchanged marriage for raising children by themselves.  High rates of remarriage do result in some single parent families being temporary, but still there are important time periods within families when they are headed by only one parent.

Ironically, our cultural biases are expressed by religious and political organizations and even segments of the mental health community when single parent women are criticized, and single parent men are viewed as noble.  In either case we tend to see single parent homes as evidence of dysfunction, moral weakness, or other inadequacies. 

The fact is that children of single parents have strength and resilience like any other children.  Single parents are not universally victims.  These parents can be helped to overcome the immediate challenges they face, which are often economic, by admitting their skills and abilities to parent their children and by helping to mobilize a supportive community.

Single mothers tend to have more resources and networks available to assist and support them while single fathers tend to be more isolated.  In either case, challenges can be effectively managed and in a way that supports the self-esteem of parents and children, providing the skills and courage to seek the assistance of extended family members and friends.  Indeed, many single parent families have extensive connections outside the home, or contain other adult family members within the household, or have a live-in primary partner. Expanded families can provide a sense of clanlike belonging and community that is foreign to the experience of so-called intact or nuclear families.  There are advantages and disadvantages for either family system.

There are specific potential problems for single family mothers.  Sometimes they feel compelled as find a solution to their economic and social isolation, and so bring a romantic partner into the household who may or may not be an appropriate choice.  This can be a barter situation, or it can develop into a lasting, loving relationship, without marriage.  The contributions of these live in mates can be a source of problems, especially where they compete with the children for the mother's time and attention, undermine parental authority, become deeply involved in the family, and then possibly abandon them all.  Men who do not have a biological tie to children are more likely to become physically or sexually abusive. 

Many single parents don't know how to set effective limits on children, except when a crisis is at hand, and so they often find themselves exhausted by unproductive standoffs with their children.  Single parents are more likely to treat their children more like peers than like children because they lack energy to be authoritative or need companionship.  Treating a child like a friend one moment and a child the next creates chaos, and it becomes difficult to impose rules.

But these sorts of problems can be worked with avoided by understanding that they potentially exist, what they their signs are, and by working to set boundaries and impose structure.  For example, understanding how to exercise authority and discipline effectively can be learned - and, let's face it, most of us receive no special training to become parents.

What is critical is that a single parent recognize they are in a transition and that they explore how to manage their families and their lives.  This includes doing some research into the literature on parenting, considering encouraging relationships with extended families members - including grandparents and former in-laws - and looking to all available community resources.  Women are adept at establishing community between themselves, but do not always take advantage of what may be available.  Investigate what options exist in your community, and consider what support really might be available through family members and others.  Make good choices.