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Recent Blog Posts in 2010 |
| 3 posts found. Viewing page 1 of 1. |
| May 27, 2010 |
| Moving Through Change: A Mom's Journey to a New Home (by Ellen Kellner) |
| Posted By Transitional Family Resources |
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I love my home. For some people the living room and dining room have long lost their original intent, but for me, these rooms are my sanctuary. A place free from toys, clutter, mess, and TVs. They are rooms filled with things of beauty to me—candles, comfortable chairs with reading lights, books and earthy elements of rocks, twigs, and plants—all providing a space for special moments.
And the moments are plenty. It is a place of stillness while I work or meditate; a place of gathering for dinners; a dance floor for when my daughters and I feel like being silly; plus, a music room when my older daughter pulls out her guitar or my younger wants to perform. When I walk into my home I always look around with such gratitude.
But now it’s time to move.
Relationship break-ups often involve separating from more than just a partner; prompting a separation from your home as well. This is one of those times.
And while there’s room for all emotions, the predominant one that I’m wrapping around this move is excitement and opportunity. My daughters and I aren’t just taking a step into new possibilities, we’re leaping into the great unknown by packing a new tent and a map.
I’ve done the hectic move from one home into another. Emotionally and physically it’s exhausting for all involved. This time I’m taking a new approach: a month of being homeless. Or, phrased more eloquently: a month between homes. So while I’m gearing up to de-clutter, sort, and store, I’m also gathering up my camping gear. Destination? The stars, big skies, and fresh air of the West.
Instead of lining-up an intensive move, we’re gathering images of “must see” destinations. Instead of focusing on a perceived loss, we’re having fun practicing tent set-ups and learning about aluminum foil campfire cooking. While our belongings rest in storage, our minds can rest in the simplicity of camping. I’m so thankful for this opportunity - a possibility that only opened because of our move.
During one quiet moment on the living-room sofa, my older daughter shared that she’ll miss the scene that surrounded us. And I agreed. But I reminded both of us that it isn’t the room, the carpet, or the walls that created this sacred space, it’s the tremendous love that we all share and the special items that we chose to bring into it. I looked at her and said, “this is our home because it’s what we’ve created. This love, this intent, goes with us wherever we go because we value it.” And we both knew it was true.
Yes, there are moments when I fret about our yet unrevealed next address, but I do know that getting there via the West will be a great adventure—one that will land us right back in the comfort of our living room, wherever that may be.
This is the power of a parent with intent: the intent to nurture her children, even through the ups and downs of life. I wish to instill in my girls a sense that it isn’t the “what”, it’s the “how” that matters. How will we be dealing with our move? By singing loudly with the windows down as we cruise to new destinations.
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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book,The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex is available through Amazon or www.TheProChildWay.com
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| March 02, 2010 |
| PROBLEM GAMBLING AWARE WEEK - LECTURE BY GARY LANGE, Ph.D on March 11, 2010 |
| Posted By Transitional Family Resources |
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Gary Lange, Ph.D.
WHEN GAMBLING BECOMES MORE THAN A GAME: NO ONE WINS
Trips to the casino or playing video games can develop into serious financial and emotional problems not only for gambler but for his/her family. March 7-13 is National Problem Gambling Awareness (npgaw.org) week and a time to learn more about this issue at free community seminars.
More than 1.5 million youth and adults in California are considered problem and pathological gamblers according to the California Research Bureau, 2006. That would account for 20,000 individuals in the Coachella Valley. It is estimated that each problem gambler affects eight to ten other people in their lives and need our help as much as the families of any addict or mentally ill person. Spouses and family members often suspect the gambler is having an affair or is a pathological liar because of their dishonesty and deceit. Casino visits comprise the most common form of “legal” adult gambling in California. Less common but just as serious are the many other forms of “illegal” gambling which include family or college-dorm poker, sports betting, and much of the “gaming” done by our youth on hand held devices.
In our Coachella Valley, there are two groups of people particularly vulnerable to becoming problem gamblers: youth on one of the spectrum and seniors on the other end. We may have witnessed our youth “getting high” on video, X-Box, PSP and other games. Many parents attest that their kids seem to be in such a hypnotic trance while playing these games that they are unable to hear or think about anything else but the game for hours and hours.
The other group, the seniors are increasingly vulnerable to the excitement, competitiveness, independence and social acceptance that gambling provides. This is because the “Golden Years” can also involve loneliness, boredom, loss of loved ones, physical illness/pain, retirement and loss of worth, all of which can all trigger “trips” to gambling venues.
Most seniors are “escape” gamblers and gravitate toward slot machines, bingo, raffles and the lottery because they want to escape or distract themselves. By contrast, “action” gamblers prefer cards, horse racing and sports betting. For some seniors, casino “gaming” is a viewed as a safe, entertaining place where transportation is often provided and food is cheap.
Two free seminars to inform individuals and the community will be available this week. Tuesday at 5:30 pm in Indio at the Teen Center and Thursday at 4:00 pm in Palm Springs at the Golden Rainbow Senior Center. Attendees can learn to identify warning signs of a gambling problem and ways to alleviate the complications associated with gambling. Attendees will learn how this progressive problem affects youth, seniors and families. Discussion will include intervention techniques that can help bring honesty and hope to those affected by gambling. Information on local treatment options and support groups will also be available. These presentations are for those concerned about their own gambling or a loved one’s. Free confidential assessments will be available with Certified Gambling Counselors.
Gary Lange Ph.D. and Lisa Axelrod are Marriage and Family Therapists and Gambling Counselors who specialize in educating and treating problem gamblers and their families. With therapy and support a “no one wins” situation can be turned into an “everyone wins” scenario not only for the gambler but also for his or her family!
Seminar 1: Tuesday, March 9, 2010; 5:30 p.m.
Indio Teen Center is 81-678 Avenue 46, Indio, CA 92201
Includes Tips on Youth Gambling for Parents
By Lisa Axelrod, MFT, CCGC 760-772-6745
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Seminar 2: Thursday, March 11, 2010; 4:00 p.m.
At the Golden Rainbow Senior Center
700 E. Tahquitz Canyon Way, #G, Palm Springs, 92262
by Gary Lange, Ph.D., MFT, NCGC 760/773-1014
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| February 20, 2010 |
| Overcoming PARENTING CONFLICTS with OurFamilyWizard |
| Posted By Transitional Family Resources |
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Visitation and parenting exchange disputes often occur simply because of confusion or poor communication skills between parents, but they can be deeply embarrassing and distressing for children and a source of continuing anxiety and reactivity on the part of parents. Sometimes these disputes can reflect a pattern of parental alienation. They can cost divorcing parents needless expense when they feel impelled to report these frustrations to their attorneys, taking time off from work battling about who really said what and when in court, and where they feel forced to engage each other within the legal system. This wastes valuable judicial resources with a court process that tends to perpetuate conflict rather than ending it.
As a custody, visitation, and move-away lawyer I commonly receive complaints from my clients – and sometimes allegations about them – concerning failed visitation exchanges, holiday plans, or unseemly conduct between family court litigants. Often these complaints are evidenced by texting and emails, but usually they are reported to me as my client’s memories of angry telephone calls back and forth. Either way, it is difficult for me to know and prove what was really said and in what order, or to sensibly provide proof to opposing counsel, family judges, or to court mediators and evaluating therapists. Even where a text log can be created or downloaded, or where emails exist, it is not only time consuming to put them into a declaration or letter form but the fact is that nobody who is umpiring such conflicts wants to read them all. Family Court judges are overburdened and don’t have the time. If a non-judicial professional spends the time to review them and reports back to the Court, this probably means they are being paid by you or the other party to do so. Email communications are one of the more unwieldy forms of evidentiary records to wade through, since what occurred is contained in email threads that appear in reverse order in the form of replies.
Moreover, in my experience, people having highly charged parenting conflicts typically write texts and emails that range from being merely improvident to outrageous. Often these folks are writing with the expectation someone will read and buy into their position later, and at other times they just say something provocative or mean and hit ‘send’ before they can be mindful of what they are doing and how it might be interpreted later. Or how the negativity trickles down to their children.
This is a real problem for families, and it is financially and emotionally expensive.
Many Courts particularly in Los Angeles and Orange counties California, have ordered high-conflict parents to enroll with
www.OurFamilyWizard.com
with some very positive results in terms of dialing down the hostilities between them and so reducing trips to court. These include a significant decline in these cases finding their way back to court. This only benefits children and the parents themselves.
www.OurFamilyWizard.com
presents a valuable mindfulness tool which holds possibilities that range from simply offering a forum for notification of soccer games, birthday, and vacation time with grandparents and others and confirming homework assignments and parent-teacher conferences to creating a ‘safe’ environment where one or both parents can avoid those nasty phone calls or ugly emails that so often trigger a never ending cycle of action and reaction. As such, it promises to impose some accountability, to help parents reflect upon their speech and even body language, and to make children's lives easier. It can be a valuable tool for judges and mental health professionals, as well as lawyers, to have an easily accessed record of what really happened.
www.OurFamilyWizard.com
has a number of useful features. It provides a Calendar that maps out visitation schedules and any imaginable event, like doctor visits, birthdays, or other reminders. Parents have the ability to confirm or modify their intentions as to any given event. Parents can offer to switch visitation days, and there is a record of the offer and whether or not it was accepted and if so upon what terms.
It has a separate Journal function that allows private or shared entries, and gives the parent an appropriate place to praise or vent about the other parent.
It has an Expense Log function that enables parents to make requests about child support or expense reimbursements, and even to upload medical or school uniform and any other invoices so that the other parent can verify the authenticity of the requests. Payment can even be made between banks on-line with a fee far below what credit cards charge.
It allows for email or text notification of posts. There is a message board.
Benefits to using
www.OurFamilyWizard.com
- It can provide an exclusive means of communicating for high-conflict parents. This allows the parents to avoid phone calls at any hour of the day or night that sometimes turn accusatory or demanding. One can take their former partner out of the loop in that sense, which may be less disruptive to new mates or even one’s children who don’t have hear her mother or father arguing by cell phone on the way home from school.
- It can be a one stop scheduling forum and marketplace for parents who are not in high conflict, but who are naturally time-challenged and pressured over remembering where they are supposed to be and when.
- It provides a record that cannot be undone or manipulated after the fact. For instance, emails threads can be manipulated and changed by a parent in that one can always rewrite one someone supposed said within the thread and print it out and submit it as evidence. These changes earlier on in an email thread might even go unnoticed because people don’t usually suspect it and so check the thread for falsification before submitting it to courts.
- Where parents have agreed, it has been so ordered, or where records need to be subpoenaed if a family court dispute does arise, the information is available in an efficient way. The owners say they can respond to a subpoena with an appropriate declaration from the custodian of records, which makes them admissible over objection for lack of foundation and hearsay, with 24 hours.
- One can modify some functions – like schedules up to the day of an event -but thereafter entries become locked and so cannot be altered after the fact.
- It can help parents become more mindful of what they say. If parents resist the desire to attack the other parent or make unfortunate derogatory comments about the other parent or their new spouse or boy friend or girlfriend and so on, it can de-escalate conflict and reduce tit-for-tat.
- Record print outs can be obtained without subpoena when it so agreed and utilized in court proceedings.
- A parent who is being harassed by the other can use the system as a shield not only from personal vitriol but also in defending against a campaign of case making by the other parent.
- It makes huge sense in domestic violence settings.
Potential disadvantages to using www.OurFamilyWizard.com
- It requires Internet access and costs about $100/year.
- If given permission, or if ordered by the Court, other people can be granted access to the records. These people could include judges, lawyers, family mediators, and mental health professionals. While this may be a good thing, as a family lawyer I see this function as dangerous because:
Hearsay which would otherwise not be admitted in a family court proceeding might be reviewed by one of these persons. There is no way of knowing how judicial officer's or evaluator's views and hence their recommendations for orders were caused or affected by what they read, or even what it is that they read.
- A particular problem is also that one or both parents may still skew the facts or write or an imaginary audience. In other words, a parent can insincerely make offers ‘for the record’ that appear reasonable at first glance but that are really more sinister in terms of promoting their own agenda. In this sense it can be wrongfully used as a posturing sword.
- If one parent by nature is less vocal or less computer savvy than another, then their silence in response to repeated commentary or requests could be misinterpreted by a reader.
- In cases where one parent is constantly firing off messages or offers or demands, the other parent may be forced to be in constant response.
These of course are not shortcomings of the Family Wizard program, but are a consequences of the tendency of people in high conflict relationship breakup to manipulate appearances.
At least where court proceedings are concerned, which does appear to include the majority of users and to be a major justification for the product, the disadvantages can be minimized if judges and lawyers tailor ground rules for what functions will be used and how they will be used. These would include stipulations about who can access the on-line account, and what foundation is required before the records are introduced into evidence.
Check out their site: www.OurFamilyWizard.com |
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