Transitions for Women in Divorce

by Beverly Jewell, M.A.

It is common for women to experience several kinds of transitions over the course of their lives.  Some of the typical ones are:

    * Leaving home for college
    * Developing a career
    * Getting married
    * Having children
    * Launching children
    * Empty-nest Syndrome
    * Caring for elderly parents
    * Retirement (hers or her partner's)

Besides these, unexpected illness in the family is common - her own or a member of the family - and suddenly decisions have to be made that require financial resources, rearranging schedules, taking time off work, and leaning on other family members for help if they are willing to step in.  There are many community resources available for these situations, such as home nursing and Meals on Wheels through county social services and Medicare. Attending a Caregiver's support group is also important as an outlet to avoid burnout.

Another is "mid-life crisis".  Both men and women can experience mid-life crisis, beginning as early as the 30's and reach well into the 60's.  It may not occur as one catastrophic event, as depicted in the movies, but as a series of transitions around significant birthdays (turning 40, 50, 60 etc) and mourning the phase being left behind.  This may be experienced as a subtle, unexplained restless feeling or the extreme of suddenly wanting to leave a marriage in search of adventure and greener grasses.  Either way, it isn't in the best interest of the person to act suddenly, making decisions that could affect them and their families for years to come.  The better approach would be to work with a counselor to understand the feelings, work through the loss of the stage being left behind and see it as a door opening instead of closing.

Divorce and re-marriage are examples of more transitional phases.  Even if the divorce is mutual, it is still full of grief and loss over what was and what could have been.  For most people it takes years to get through the roller coaster of emotions to begin dating again and rebuilding their lives.  During this time, dating quickly often occurs to avoid dealing these feeling but this only leads to being on the rebound, which adds confusion to the person and those they become involved with.  Re-marriage is good when done in a healthy way, after the person has worked through the process of grief and loss, bringing a healthier self with less baggage into the new relationship.  Many communities and churches offer divorce recovery workshops which can help with the letting go and moving forward process.

Another transitional phase is death of loved ones.  This is often elderly parents, but could be of a spouse or other family member.  If the death is expected due to illness, there is time to process the impending loss.  If it is quick and unexpected, this is much harder to cope with.  Either way, it is important to work with a grief and loss specialist - individually or through a support group.

Each event listed above is accompanied with mixed feelings and often anxiety or depression.  Even a joyous event can leave a person feeling unsettled and not sure of what comes next. The goal isn't to avoid these events, as they are a part of what makes life rich and meaningful, but to find healthy ways to cope as the changes occur.  This can be accomplished through counseling, as well as the support of friends and family.  If left unattended, the mixed feelings can lead to confusion and "acting out" behaviors that sabotages a person's life.

If any of these events are happening to you or someone you know, it is important to get the help you need instead of trying to do it alone.  Counseling sessions and support groups will help you move through the transition in a healthy way and aid in choosing the best options for building a solid future.