"Happiness, A Positive Addiction"

"THE EGGS IN YOUR BASKET"

By Kenneth Garrett, Ph.d

In the course of helping people deal with inconceivably painful losses, I felt powerless. How could I possibly help a mother handle the senseless death of her son in a drive-by shooting - or a wife's pain in coping with the recent death of her husband in an alcohol-related automobile accident? These losses forced me to review my clinical training, to look back at the issues I had confronted while studying existential psychotherapy and philosophy in my early twenties.

There are two distinct ways of dealing with inconceivably painful losses such as those mentioned above. One is to return to the traditional position of religion - that it was God's will, that we are mere mortals who cannot possibly comprehend the deeper meaning of such tragedies. Also implied is that one day we shall be rejoined together in the next world with our departed loved one.

The other possible answer is that of the existentialist which is that life, in many ways, is random - that forces outside of our control can ultimately impact our reality. Our task, or freedom, is to accept these limitations to our control of the world and, ultimately, effective living comes from working through the issues that tragedy creates. Staying strong and coping with loss means rebuilding from the ashes of tragedy and that ultimately our character is defined by how we move forward from these unfortunate situations. The inability to embrace "what is" and to live in the constantly changing world around us condemns us to constant mourning after tragedy - a sign of some deficit in our ability to regroup and find new personal meaning.

Many religious structures aid the grieving process to allow mourners a cohesive manner in the letting-go process as well as creating a way of honoring their loved ones when they are gone. Embracing life can be a compelling and difficult task for most parents and spouses and many mourners carry the scars of their losses throughout their entire life. Clearly, not mourning prevents us from reengaging fully and ultimately in life and deprives us of the great possibilities of new joy and meaning.

For this reason, I developed an analogy to assist my patients in the acceptance process. It appears to also help all of us embrace the blessings we have at this moment. When completely stumped, with nothing left to offer my bereaved patients, I ask the question, "Are there any eggs left in your basket?" This is literally translated into "is there anything left in your life now that you have in spite of losing this person? Has your life no further meaning without them?" Withstanding my patients' resistance to the question, I ask them again to tell me what eggs they have left in their basket.

In each case, there was something - a spouse, a child - there was love of music or art, something that still was meaningful. In each session, without exception, we reviewed what was left. In one mother's case, she realized how painful her son's accidental death was for his younger sister who idolized him. The whole family was broken with suffering and slowly she realized how necessary it was for her to re-embrace her maternal role to help her bereaved daughter survive the tragedy. That was one egg in her basket that she loved and needed to protect.

Each of us has a basket of eggs. Mine has my children, my siblings, my life's companion, my pet, my patients, and my beloved friends. They are my most precious eggs. Unfortunately, the eggs in our basket constantly change. People die and, at times, friendships and love affairs end, and the relationships end as well. Our children grown up and leave the nest and we have to adjust and reposition our eggs.

It is so easy to look at what is missing, but so much braver to embrace what remains and what we still have. There are no guarantees to anything beyond the reality of aging and death, yet the eggs in our basket make life's journey meaningful and worth living. People who tell me they have no eggs left are deeply despondent and ultimately suffer from suicidal ideation.

When I count the eggs in my basket, I also include my art collection, my cozy cabin in the mountains, the hiking trails I enjoy, and my love for sunsets and nature. Recalling your eggs regularly is a critical part of the discipline needed to rise above and move on over the endless speed bumps of life. I strongly recommend you write your eggs down and remind yourself of them daily and that you are truly grateful you have them. This can be done from a religious or non-religious point of view.

We all need a purpose beyond merely meeting our survival needs. The ability to embrace the meaningful relationships you have that complete you is a significant step toward feeling truly happy. These relationships need to be nurtured and protected.

These are your eggs - and in spite of the reality that the eggs will never stay the same for very long, their existence creates your core purpose and makes life seem complete.