Dr. Marvin L. Chapman, PsyD, MFT, CFC, BCPC
DIVORCE COACHING FOR MEN
First Truth
Men are familiar with feelings of anger. We have felt those feelings since childhood. We believe we know how to handle them. Anger is also our defensive mechanism - to get others to back off when we feel threatened or confused. Anger is used when all else fails. Anger shuts people up.
Second Truth
Three (3) elements generally make up a man's sense of self, self-esteem, and feeling good about himself and they are the following:
Work Home Sexuality
Women know these as: Money Family Intimacy
Third Truth
When a man goes through family court, he takes a direct hit on at least two (2) of these three (3) areas, his work (money) and his home (family).
Conclusion of the Three Truths
If we believe these three truths to be fact, then it is not surprising to know the initial reaction for men going through family court is a feeling of anger at the other party, at the other party's attorney, at the invasive court process, or at some other portion of family court procedures which he sees as directly and negatively impacting on his work (his finances) and his home (his time with his kids).
FEELING HELPLESS WITHIN FAMILY COURT
With over 27 years of dealing with men at United Fathers of America, I have noticed the initial feelings of frustration and anger in men come from an overwhelming sense of helplessness. Someone or something has control over their money and over their time with their children and they feel helpless to do anything about it.
A divorce coach is there to help make sense of the man's frustration and anger, to help him deal with those feelings in a proactive and positive manner. This model allows, encourages and rewards the man when he is able to funnel his feelings into productive work on the restructuring family.
Another challenging area is helping the men get through the rough spots when fighting it out in court appears to be much easier than dealing with all of the feelings, frustrations and confusions about what is going on. A divorce coach can be used as an educational and informational asset within a safe, supportive and encouraging environment for difficult conversations. This allows the man the opportunity to not only to work through his own feelings of frustration and anger, but also to look at the bigger picture of how his restructuring family is going to look after the process is over. A good divorce coach will help keep those emotional issues from getting in the way of the restructuring process, working on what is ultimately best for the family, both now and for the future.
Enlisting the man as an agent of positive change and requesting his input into all areas of his restructuring family allows him to feel a part of the process affecting his life - rather than just a bystander watching his life disappear. Divorce coaching empowers the man to remain responsible for his own decisions and facilitates his taking responsibility for his own affairs.
To help prevent you from being a bystander to your own life, take care of yourself. An idea of how to do that follows.
TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF