Let's be realistic. We live in a society which does not value aging. Studies and statistics continue to show that as we grow older in America we run the risk of being poor, with failing health, and alone.
In my psychotherapy practice, I see a great number of older clients who suffer from anxiety and depression. Many of these are gay men in their 50s and 60s. Gay men share many of the same issues about aging with their straight peers. However there are some differences as well.
Gay men's fear of aging is often based on common stereotypes of what gay aging means: becoming the lonely old queen; being too old in the middle fifties or sixties to make a career change or find satisfaction in life; happiness being dependent on measuring up to a certain body ideal; that one is too old to enter into an intimate, long term relationship. The specter of failing health and death loom large as well. For many, having survived AIDS only gave a reprieve to the inevitable.
The story is not all bad news, however. Gay men possess some real strengths as they age. Forced to survive and thrive in the midst of heterosexism and homophobia, they have developed resilience in the face of crisis and change. They have had to form creative support systems and establish kinship networks, which can provide nurturance and support. Going against the mainstream has required an ability to focus internally, to gauge self-worth from inside rather than in reaction to social approbation. Gay men are adept at finding direction in the midst of adversity. But even though they have strengths that they bring to the aging journey, that road can still be rocky and uneven.
In therapy my gay clients repeatedly emphasize themes valued by a large segment of gay life. I call these themes the three Bs: boyish looks, beautiful, built. Anything not fitting these very narrow criteria of physical appearance is ignored or put down. My clients and many other aging gay men get caught in this trap. Ageism is alive and well in gay circles. Gay media often perpetuate ageism. Notice who is and who is not pictured in ads and how many stories in the print media deal with new trends and fads, often ignoring anyone over forty.
It is true that some gay men have created a place for themselves as Daddies, Bears, or Leather guys. These important roles provide many aging gay men with a sense of identity, belonging, and purpose. But what of other older gay men who do not fit into these socially sanctioned (and often narrowly defined) slots? They feel invisible. It is this experience of invisibility that is reflected in the comments and feelings of many of my clients as they adjust to growing older.
To embrace a healthy transition to aging, the first step for gay men is to come to terms with invisibility. Aging gay men are not only invisible to much of gay society, they contribute to their own invisibility. They do not speak about the aging process or try to understand it. In our gay communities, there is a conspiracy of silence about aging. We avoid aging by trying to look younger (delighting the cosmetic industry) or buffer (adding to the economic prosperity of the gym industry). There certainly is nothing wrong with trying to look as good as you can at whatever age you may be, but there is almost a sense of desperation about a forty or fifty year old trying to look twenty or thirty something. By hiding their aging, they hide from an important part of themselves.
Coming out is a potent symbol and process for gay men. Earlier in their lives, they had to come out in order to take a stand in the world, announce their identity, and ultimately come home to themselves. Aging is an opportunity to come out for another homecoming. The first coming out contains the seeds for being able to negotiate the difficult waters of aging. In the first coming out, they learned to depend upon their own resources, rather than seeking external validation at every step along the way. They came out against homophobia and heterosexism on the part of the straight world and for the right to live their lives as they choose to live them. This involved some false starts and periods of feeling lost, lonely, and uncertain. It often took time and a good deal of introspection to discover who "I" really was and wished to become.
Gay male aging is a second coming out against ageism within the gay communities and against narrow criteria of boyish beauty. Aging is also coming out for one's older years as a time of possibility, based on accumulated experience and wisdom.
Before we get to the possibilities inherent in gay male aging, we must deal with the fact that facing aging is also facing loss. The theme of loss is echoed repeatedly by the participants in my classes on aging as well as by my therapy clients. They often speak of losses of friends to AIDS, of course, but also of failed relationships, of unfulfilled life dreams and dead-end careers, of the loss of youthful appearance, of their own health, concerns of lost optimism and hope. Grieving is an important part of facing these various losses, but for many gay men loss gets piled upon loss, and none of the issues surrounding these losses get worked through because these men believe it is all too painful to face.
Aging adds a dimension of distress for many gay men. They may actually try to bargain with the aging process. "If I just spend longer hours at the gym, if I buy different clothes, if I do not think about aging, perhaps I can forestall it." They are so angry about aging that they get stuck. The journey gets bogged down, and they become numb in the face of so much dissolution. They then run from the feelings, throwing themselves into work, booze or other drugs, relationships--anything to distract them from the growing realization of aging. The prevalence of alcoholism, drug addiction, and/or relapse among older gay men is testimony to this desperation. If this were the end of the story, it would be bleak indeed. But the acceptance found in a second coming out is key to coming home to themselves.
Part of coming to a positive view of aging is the realization that each of us has to define his own life. Part of aging is about reflecting on the past. But an even bigger part is looking inward and ahead! This is an opportunity for actual and potential richness.
The aging process can be a very fertile time, if one has the patience to reflect, watch, and listen, becoming more focused on the present and defining what is important from the inside out rather than from the outside in. In youth, we measure our worth by our progress in the world and by our social standing. The opinions of others are crucial to our self-esteem. As we grow older, the invitation is to shift this stance, and embark on a spiritual journey inward, coming to a new understanding and acceptance of ourselves and focusing on what really matters. This is the path of integration, coming to realize that somehow aging has an important place in the grand scheme of things. It is not a winding down or ending. It can be a deepening and opening to another dimension of life that can only come with seasoned experience. But aging is more than coming to greater self-acceptance. It is also the path of a spiritual journey, coming to understand our place in the world.
Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, uses the term, "generativity," which he identifies as one of the prime tasks of aging. It means to be creative, to be an agent in one's life, and to help life to happen, rather than simply reacting to what life presents. For Erikson, generativity often has to do with rearing children, but for many gay men this task of aging is accomplished through mentoring. Mentoring does not assume a position of moral or intellectual superiority to another, but rather a willingness to share one's experience accumulated over many years. Mentoring is a witnessing that successful aging occurs with and contributes to the broader social fabric of which we are a part. Mentoring is also exercised in concern for the wellbeing of others beyond our immediate circle. It involves working for social justice and caring for the earth. There are many opportunities in gay communities to work for justice. Also, framing our ecological preservation efforts as mentoring gives us the perspective of caring for the next generation.
To get caught in denial, anger, and depression because of fear or weariness does not stop the inexorable march of time and bodily change. However, it robs us of the rich opportunity to face squarely our mortality and, in the encounter, to hone and purify our goals and purpose as life moves on towards its inevitable end.
The journey of aging teaches us that we are human, flawed, loveable, and finite. Facing limits and mortality can help us to realize how often we have taken life for granted and how precious it really is.
As gay men embrace their aging, they experience a certain freedom. They have lived life long enough not to care so much what others may think. They have much more of a feel for their own path, and they can discover their "generative" place in our world. As they become more and more comfortable with their aging and the whole range of life before it, they enter into "ego integrity," the final stage in Erikson's schema, a place of true wisdom.
Aging is scary, especially in a society (gay and straight) that places so little value on aging and accumulated life wisdom. But what choice do we really have? We can grow older thoughtfully and spiritually, or we can grow older kicking and screaming. But, grow older we will no matter the stratagems we might employ to delay or avoid it. To age mindfully and with clear intention is perhaps the greatest triumph.
If you want to pursue this topic more fully, read Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife, by Kooden and Flowers. NY: Avon Books. 2000.
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Paul D. Zak, LCSW, CAS, lives and works in Palm Springs, CA. He is a therapist in private practice. He works with individuals and couples to help his clients create meaning and possibility in their lives. He teaches and lectures on mental health issues. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a Certified Addictions Specialist.
He may be contacted at 760-898-4581.
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